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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.